Whose Rule is it Anyway?
I'm a fan of rules.
The rule that says I should drive on the correct side of the road is a good one, because following that rule makes it less likely I'll run into an oncoming truck.
I like the rules about saying please and thank you, because it feels good to be kind, plus it's an effective social lubricant (and who doesn't like a bit of ease and flow?)
Even the rules about paying tax seem fundamentally good to me - I like knowing we have the resources to pay teachers and nurses and garbagemen and the smart folks who design and build roads and train lines and other complicated infrastructure. (I might have some other preferences about how taxes are spent, but I know how to find love for non-negotiable rules in my life!)
I can even appreciate the inconvenient-to-me rules which keep others safer, such as social distancing and wearing a mask in a pandemic.
But I don't follow ALL the rules.
Here are some rules I ignore:
big girls don't cry
girls are bad at numbers
fat is bad, thin is good
success is only ever indicated by numbers on a page
a man must bring home the bacon or he's not a real man
a woman must have a child or she's not a real woman
you have to eat your greens before you eat dessert
These rules are damaging limitations, learned from the toxic aspects of our cultural systems.
Yet the thought of breaking those kinds of rules may bring a huge sense of dread or anxiety, especially if those rules were embedded for a long time. So how do we free ourselves?
First, get aware.
Notice that it’s not an objective fact, it’s an opinion of your brain.
Notice that it didn’t come with you to the planet, you learned it from somewhere.
Notice that if you learned it, it must have come from somewhere outside of you.
And notice that you have the ability to rewire your own brain - so you are not powerless in the face of that rule.
And then, decide
You could simply drop the rule and ignore that it ever existed. Let it go without a backward glance. And if it comes back, remind yourself that's it's just an old rule that has nothing to do with who you truly are.
If the rule had some intention that you'd like to honour, you can replace it with a more loving choice.
If your old rule was "I have to work an 8 hour day to be worthy", replace it with something kinder, such as "I contribute to the world simply by showing up".
If your old rule was "I sacrifice myself to take care of my elderly parent because that's what a good child does", replace it with something healthier, such as "I take care of my parent while I also prioritise my own well-being".
When you use this technique on any rule you notice, you can reshape everything in your life so it's lined up with YOU.
Not someone else’s needs or perspective or desires or decisions.
But YOURS.
Your own.
You still get to be a caring person who contributes to the world. In fact, you're likely going to be MORE effective if you're working with 'rules' that you created yourself, to satisfy your own preferences.
How many of your rules might you ditch, or replace with a better, more self-loving choice?
And how can you make that a juicy process?
