From martyr to goddess

As I finalised this post, Australian women** were marching in our nation’s capital, in the state capitals, and in regional towns across the continent, because Australian Parliament House - like so many other workplaces - is unsafe for women and the mostly male MPs refuse to change that.

The patriarchy is a real and violent system of oppression.

Like all systems of oppression, it’s based on the concept that one group of people exist for the convenience of another, that the value of women is predicated on how useful we are to men.

Systemic change is urgent and needed.

When something in me agrees with the concepts that ‘women are flaky and over-emotional’ or ‘it’s unprofessional to cry at work’ or ‘it’s not safe to speak up’ - that system of oppression gets reinforced by my own brain.

Doing the (often uncomfortable) work of reclaiming personal power and agency in our own lives, is essential if we’re going to dismantle that old, old system of oppression.

The martyrdom of women is a powerful part of that discomfort, and most of us have done it in some way.

In my practice I regularly see smart, highly competent and organised women struggling to keep it all together when everyone around them exhibits utter helplessness.

They feel trapped in a clamour of family, workmates, friends all calling on them to rescue them, fix them, help them, do it for them. 

It’s like one day they’re young goddesses in training; and in the blink of an eye years have gone by and they find themselves on the pyre of misery, ill-health and burnout, martyrs to everyone else’s needs. 

And that makes them feel ashamed, despairing and enraged all at once, because they've read all the books and done all the assertiveness training but nothing seems to change.

Maybe this resonates for you, or maybe you recognise a sister, a friend, a colleague.

We’ve known this for a long time, and yet - for so many of us - nothing’s changed.

So I want to give you the three most powerful reasons I can think of for you to make changes in your life right now; and four small steps to get you started.

Outlive everyone

Your health, plain and simple, is Reason #3 to make changes - not because of dress size or body shape, but because your joy is incompatible with destroying your health.

Keep up the stress of ignoring your own needs, and your body will let you know.

She’s your best friend, she’s always with you, and she’s your most powerful messenger for how things are going in your spirit and your mind. When you ignore your own needs, she might give you the occasional migraine to start with, but leave it long enough and she’ll find something even louder. Ask me how I know…

But maybe you know this, and you’re still not in the habit of putting your health or your needs first, right? So let’s find something more powerful.

Free up the system

We humans are part of an enormous and wonderful cycle of flow that works perfectly in all aspects of the Universe, a cycle of giving and receiving.

But when you give, give, give and refuse to receive - which is the underlying pattern for most martyrs - you’re throwing that cycle out of balance.

It’s a bit like peeing in the Universe’s pool. That’s not cool, and it clogs up the system for everyone.

Call it Reason #2. Not enough? OK, here’s the big one.

Stop being a dick

Welcome to Reason #1 to quit the martyrdom habit.

Martydom puts a curse on the people we love most.

Helping someone out as a one-off, or being there for those who are truly helpless - infants and the very frail - that’s different. Of course we make allowances there. 

But if you’re constantly leaping in to do it all for everyone, it’s because deep down you see them as powerless, or in need, or broken, or incapable.

Your kids need to know how to make a sandwich, manage their own study projects, do their laundry.

Your work colleagues are responsible adults who can just as easily learn to drive the photocopier, make their own coffee or share workloads fairly.

If your boss’s business is only ever solvent because of your willingness to work unpaid overtime every day, it’s time for her to find a better solution and/or for you to find a better boss.

Your habit of giving without receiving impacts the Universe and everyone around you.

It’s time to stop!

How to change

You might have tried asking for help or setting new boundaries, but if you’re relying on others to change, it’s not happening.

The key lies within. 

You need to change your own internal landscape first.

You came to the planet as a whole, powerful, generous and loving human goddess.

You knew how to receive when you got here, and the imbalance you experience now is something you’ve learned - from (drum roll please) the patriarchy.

That means you can unlearn it.

Here are four steps you can take right now, to begin rewiring that crap in your brain.

Forgive yourself

… for all the times you allowed others’ needs to come first.

You might be feeling frustrated and ashamed that you’ve become a martyr.

Time to let that shit go.

Be radically gentle as you turn kindness inwards.

If your beloved friend were on the pyre, stretched too thin and burning up in the needs of others, I’m betting you’d be overflowing with love and compassion for her.

Do the same for yourself.

Be willing to allow

… for the possibility of change.

You don’t have to do it all at once, but you do need to open the door to the notion that things could be different.

You don’t have to even know how it will be different.

Just take a deep breath and open that door to the possibility.

Practice receiving

… by noticing every tiny opportunity to receive - from other people, from Universe - and do nothing but say ‘thank you’.

It might be a smile or a compliment or a free coffee or an offer of help or a sunny day or catching the right train or someone letting you go first or a well-timed green light.

You can say ‘thank you’ out loud or silently in your heart (though if there’s someone else involved it’s nice to say it out loud!).

Receiving is a skill, and it’s probably one you’re a little rusty with.

That’s okay, you don’t have to be perfect at it but you do have to practise this crucial skill, bit by bit.

Flow self-love

… not merely by making time for the occasional bath or mani/pedi or massage, but by actually flowing love to the beautiful, glorious goddess you truly are.

Love encompasses trust, compassion, kindness, admiration, appreciation, and - yes - nurturing in all its forms.

You may feel like you’ve lost touch with that eminently loveable YOU, but compassion and kindness will always bring you home in the end.

These four steps will be a powerful starting place to dismantle the patriarchy in your own head.

And that’s good for all women, everywhere - because this system needs to change, now.

** “women'“ includes ALL of us - I’m especially proud that the campaign leadership of the March uprising of women fiercely and consistently included the voices of trans women and First Nations women, right from the start.